Perfectionism isn’t just “high standards.” For many of us with complex trauma, it’s a survival strategy: if I do everything right, then maybe I’ll be safe, loved, or left in peace. Healthy striving can feel energizing. Maladaptive perfectionism feels like walking on a tightrope with no exhale.
Related: Feeling small while trying to “do it right”? → People-Pleasing (Guide)
What is maladaptive perfectionism?
Maladaptive perfectionism is the push for flawlessness that comes with harsh self-judgment, fear of mistakes, and difficulty resting. It’s less about excellence and more about trying to avoid criticism, conflict, or abandonment.
- Healthy striving: “I care about quality. I can adjust, learn, and stop for the day.”
- Maladaptive perfectionism: “If it’s not perfect, I’ve failed—and I’m not safe until it is.”
When this pattern drives your days, small tasks feel high-stakes, feedback lands like danger, and your body never quite settles.
Where does perfectionism come from?
Many of us learned perfectionism in unstable or critical environments—homes where the rules kept changing, affection felt conditional, or calm depended on our performance.
- Chronic criticism / unstable care: You scanned, fixed, and over-functioned to prevent blow-ups.
- Fawn & flight responses: Pleasing others (fawn) + staying busy (flight) became safety strategies.
- Shame-spirals: An inner critic formed to “beat others to it,” hoping to avoid external shame.
Perfectionism often began as protection. Over time, it can harden into rules for living that cost peace, creativity, and connection.
Also see: Gentle foundations for nervous system healing. → Nervous System Healing
How perfectionism shows up in the body
Even when your mind says “just try harder,” your body keeps the score. Common signals:
- Shallow breathing, tight jaw, clenched stomach when starting tasks
- Spike of panic when plans change or feedback arrives
- Over-prepping, re-checking, or avoiding starting altogether
- Feeling wired-tired at night; sleep that doesn’t restore
60-second reset: Look around and name three colors → feel your feet → exhale longer than you inhale (e.g., in 4, out 6) for five breaths. Whisper, “Good enough for now.” Then choose the next small step only.
Healthy striving vs. maladaptive perfectionism
| Healthy striving | Maladaptive perfectionism | |
|---|---|---|
| Motivation | Curiosity, growth | Fear, shame, avoidance of criticism |
| Process | Flexible, iterative, rests included | Rigid rules, all-or-nothing, no off-switch |
| Feedback | Information to use | Threat to self-worth |
| Body feel | Engaged, mostly regulated | Hypervigilant, braced, or shutdown |
Perfectionism, ADHD & CPTSD
Perfectionism can show up with both ADHD and CPTSD, but for different reasons:
- ADHD: Task-start friction and time-blindness can trigger “if I can’t do it perfectly, I can’t start.” Perfectionism becomes a delay strategy that hides fear of overwhelm.
- CPTSD: Hypervigilance + rejection sensitivity (“RSD”) can make small mistakes feel dangerous. Perfection becomes a shield against shame or conflict.
Either way, the body is seeking safety. We meet the need for safety first; performance improves as a side effect.
Gentle ways to start loosening the grip
- Name the rule. “If it’s not perfect, I’m in trouble.” Naming it separates you from it.
- Try a ‘good-enough line.’ Before starting, define success at 70–80% for today.
- Scope the task smaller. One page, not the whole draft. One shelf, not the whole kitchen.
- Practice a shaped ‘no’ or ‘yes.’ “I can deliver X by Friday; Y would be next week.” Boundaries reduce panic.
- Close the loop. When done-for-now, add a long exhale + one sentence of appreciation: “I showed up.”
Body support next: Easy practices to settle when perfectionism spikes. → Grounding the Nervous System
Explore the full perfectionism series
- Signs of Perfectionism — short checklists + everyday examples
- Types of Perfectionism — self-oriented, socially prescribed, other-oriented
- How to Overcome Perfectionism — resets, scripts, boundaries, relapse kindness
- Perfectionism in Relationships — closeness, repair, co-regulation
- Perfectionism Quotes — curated lines + UC micro-affirmations
- Perfectionist Quiz — reflective, non-diagnostic, tailored next steps
Gently related: Self-Worth · People-Pleasing · The Body Compass
FAQ
Is perfectionism a disorder?
No. Perfectionism is a pattern or style—sometimes helpful, sometimes harmful. When it’s driven by fear and harsh self-judgment, it’s called maladaptive and can benefit from gentle support.
Is perfectionism a sign of ADHD?
It can be present with ADHD, often as a response to task friction: “If it can’t be perfect, I can’t start.” The support focus is body regulation, smaller scopes, and compassionate starts.
What are the main reasons for perfectionism?
Common roots include chronic criticism, unstable care, mixed signals, shame conditioning, and survival strategies like fawn/flight. It began as protection.
Where does perfectionism come from—trauma or personality?
Both can play a role. For many, early environments shaped it. Personality traits (like conscientiousness or sensitivity) may amplify it, but trauma often sets the “high stakes.”
Can perfectionism ever be healthy?
Yes—when fueled by care and curiosity, paired with flexibility and rest. Aim for responsible excellence over rigid “flawlessness.”
What small step can I take today?
Set a good-enough line before starting (70–80%), then do one small piece. Close with a longer exhale and one kind sentence to yourself.
Next in the series: Signs & Examples · Overcoming Perfectionism