Work is where we earn a living and seek dignity. When a boss or coworker uses gaslighting, public shaming, moving goalposts, or silent treatment to control you, it can quietly injure your nervous system. This gentle guide names the patterns and offers scripts, documentation tips, and HR/legal pathways.
What counts as emotional abuse at work?
Workplace emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviors that erode safety and self-trust to control performance or compliance. It’s different from normal feedback or firm expectations. The theme is humiliation, unpredictability, or fear used as a management tool.
- Public shaming: criticism in meetings or group chats.
- Gaslighting: denying prior instructions, rewriting history in reviews.
- Moving goalposts: standards shift after you meet them.
- Isolation: excluded from meetings, information withheld.
- Silent treatment / stonewalling: essential approvals withheld for days.
- Retaliation threats: hints about hours, assignments, or references if you speak up.
- Micromanagement + surveillance: constant checking/pinging outside agreed hours.
First steps: regulate, document, decide your lane
1) Regulate
- Before replying or meeting, take 60 seconds: name 3 things you see/hear/feel; breathe in 4, out 6–8.
- Micro-note: “This is tough. I’m allowed to go slow.”
2) Document immediately
- Save dates, times, direct quotes, screenshots, calendar invites, and tasks changed last-minute.
- Email yourself a summary after events (from a personal account). Title: “What actually happened.”
3) Choose a lane (for now)
| Lane | What it looks like |
|---|---|
| Stabilize | Scripts + documentation; keep boundaries; gather allies. |
| Escalate | Speak to manager/HR/union with a short fact sheet + ask. |
| Exit | Quiet job search; line up references; safety plan for transition. |
Examples of workplace emotional abuse
- Performance review gaslighting: praised all quarter, then “fails to meet expectations” with no specifics.
- Meeting ambush: feedback withheld privately, delivered as a takedown in front of peers.
- Moving goalposts: deadlines shortened after you deliver; priorities rewritten without notice, then blamed.
- Favoritism + exclusion: key projects given to favorites; you’re left off emails that affect your role.
- After-hours pressure: pings late at night; “loyalty” equated with unpaid overtime.
Boundary & clarity scripts (copy & use)
“I want to meet expectations. Could you specify the deliverable, due date, and success criteria in writing?”
“I’m available during my work hours. I’ll pick this up tomorrow at 9am.”
“I’m open to feedback. Please share it one-to-one rather than in group settings.”
“To avoid confusion, can we confirm decisions in email and keep changes tracked in the ticket?”
“I’m not comfortable with personal comments. Let’s keep the focus on the work.”
“When conversations escalate, I’ll pause and reschedule. I’ll send a summary in writing.”
Tip: follow up every key interaction with a brief email summary. Subject: “Summary of today’s discussion.” Invite corrections. Silence becomes tacit agreement.
Toxic boss vs coworker vs client
If it’s your manager
- Keep everything in writing (tickets, email). Ask for success criteria.
- Seek allies: skip-level manager, mentor, HR business partner, or union rep.
If it’s a coworker
- Use direct scripts; cc your manager when boundaries are crossed repeatedly.
- Document impact on your ability to do the job (missed info, delays).
If it’s a client
- Escalate to your manager immediately; request a change in channel or assignment.
- Keep logs of calls/incidents; never handle abuse alone.
How to talk to HR (or your union)
Go in with facts, not feelings — not because feelings don’t matter, but because decisions are made from documentation.
- Prepare a one-page brief: dates, quotes, impact on work, and your clear ask (e.g., new manager, mediation, training, transfer).
- Bring policy excerpts (anti-bullying/harassment, code of conduct). Ask how retaliation concerns are handled.
- If unionized, speak to your steward first; they can attend meetings and advise on next steps.
Opening line: “I’m raising a good-faith concern about a pattern impacting my work and well-being. Here are documented examples and what I’m asking for.”
Simple documentation template
| Field | Example |
|---|---|
| Date/time | Tue, 12 Mar, 10:30am |
| Where | Team stand-up (Zoom) |
| What happened (quotes) | “Are you even listening?” (eye-roll); change from 4pm Fri to 10am Fri announced after delivery |
| Witnesses | Ana (PM), Malik (Dev) |
| Impact on work | Delayed release; rework after scope changed; stress symptoms |
| Follow-up | Email summary sent 11:05am; request for written criteria |
Is emotional abuse at work illegal?
Laws differ by country and region. Some behaviors may fall under harassment, discrimination, coercion/retaliation, or constructive dismissal, especially when tied to protected characteristics (e.g., race, disability, religion, sex) or when raising safety/ethics concerns (whistleblowing).
For legal clarity, consult a local employment lawyer, worker center, or government labor agency. Bring your documentation.
After a hard workday (self-repair)
- Body first: water, food, a brief walk, longer exhales.
- Truth page: add one example; let the page hold the story so your body doesn’t have to.
- Co-regulate: message a trusted person for a 5-minute “just listen.”
More support: CPTSD Cornerstone · Emotional Abuse & CPTSD · Free Complex PTSD Test